Listening to: The sound of suffering
Reading: My butt is too big
Watching: I can't lose weight
Playing: monster sex revolution 2
Drinking: my tears
No one reads these things I know for sure most just delete journals off their feed or what ever heheh...
So it's been a while, and it's not a surprise that I don't get to draw a lot or post many things.
Thing is, I feel a little depressed to day cause of stuff that's happening right now, and generally cause of my personality.
If you hate reading about others problems and you don't care now's the time to just leave and not waste time haha!
Right, so pretty much eeeveryone knows I am not active anymore, not very much, and I'm a fucking moron for not finishing those sketch requests, it's just that it's hard to draw what others want when I don't have much inspiration, and when I do I just draw something basic.
But yeah, my life as always, is a fucking mess really.
But I'll get to the point, why I feel depressed right now is cause I failed my drivers license test, "sucks really, but it's not a good reason to be depressed you whiny bitch", I hear you saying behind your computer screen...WELL! Yes and no...I mean, I feel like crap that I failed it but the thing that depressed me is my parents reaction to it. They were all like " It's okay if you fail you can do it again"
And when I fail they lose their shit as if I fucking committed a crime.
And I wouldn't give much of a shit if they'd stop mentioning my drawings. EVERYTIME I am not doing well in school or fail something, my drawings are the first thing they blame and mock about me.
It's like they've found the button to make me feel like shit and they keep pressing it. Even when my art has nothing to do with the conversation it somehow manages to surface. And it's not the fact that I feel so bad, cause yes, I am not a great student, I am not what my parents want me to be, I see it in their eyes whenever I express my self, when ever I say something or give a suggestion there's always a moment of silence and then them either not giving a shit or saying I'm wrong or finding some way to make what I say sound dumb.
It's so hard to explain, I am just plain tired! It's become a trigger for me, when ever they say "doll" "dress" "girl" "doodle" (in my language this word has a wider meaning, basically meaning a crappy drawing, something made by the hands of a child) It makes me mad. I get mad when I listen to those words, cause of the way they use them, like when I told them I wanted to be a designer, and they were like " why? do you wanna sow dresses for the rest of your life?" You have no idea, this sounds okay, it sounds like nothing serious, but the way they say it, it kills me inside.
The point is, whenever I fail at something, the thing I love doing comes up somehow and gets mocked, the fact that what I like is dissaproved by my parents makes ME feel bad. As if it's not enough that I already feel bad for failing at something. I normally don't react to anything I experience anger inside of me, I don't shout I don't kick things, I just stay put and beat up my anger inside, and they think I don't care, and come one after another in my room to tell me how fucking much I fucking fucked up and that I should feel bad.
I love my parents as much as anyone else loves theirs, but they fucking suck at motivating me. They don't get it and I just decide to see past that, BUT HEY! NO FUCKING PARENT NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THEIR KID! THE KID JUST HAS TO OBEY CUZ THE PARENTS BUY EVERYTHING FOR THEM SO THEY SHOULD BE HAPPY AND PERFECT!
Fuck this, if anyone thinks this way fuck you, omg fuck you so hard up your fucking ass you fucking shallow piece of fucking shit omg.
If a person can't get their parents approval for what they like, they are bound to feel like crap and fail